Pulling a cracker on your own, snuggling up on the sofa with a log fire blazing away all by yourself, aware that loved up couples are buying Christmas presents for each other when you are single makes festive fun rather sadly scrooge like. Forget that hasty smacker under the wilting mistletoe you encountered at the Christmas party and think; what really makes your fairy lights sparkle? As you throw that CD by Celine Dion; ‘All By Myself’ into the bin; grab your woolly hat and gloves and embark on a jingle all the way mission to find your very own Mr Right.
It’s reassuring to know that being in love really is good for you! According to a study last year by Dr Fincham at Florida State University on personal relationships, college students in committed romantic relationships experienced greater well-being than single college students. They were also less likely to be overweight and experienced fewer mental health problems. The population appear to agree that romance lifts the spirits as a study by onepoll of 4,000 Britons revealed 86% believe that there is a special someone out there for everyone and a lucky 63% say that they have already met their perfect match. However, researchers also found that many women are setting their sights rather high with a doctor named as the most attractive career for a potential mate, and a fireman coming close second, followed by a lawyer, teacher and gym instructor.
While there is nothing wrong with a woman wanting the cream of the crop, according to Professor Chris Fraley and his graduate student Amanda Vicary of the university of Illinois, the most secure individuals are more likely to choose positive relationships that enhance their lives. Nevertheless, your childhood can have an impact on the way you search for a potential partner as well as the quality of your romantic relationships but scientists from the University of Minnesota in the U.S discovered that even those who have had an insecure upbringing can pick up certain skills from an emotionally equipped partner. Researcher Jessica Salvatore found that romantic partners can even reduce the psychological effects of negative experiences. So further positive evidence to recommend the pursuit of finding a man in time for pulling a cracker or two!
Preparation work is required first, however. You need to feel psychologically ready to meet your soul mate; enhance your self esteem and be aware of what you really desire in a man. Nicholas Emler, a social psychologist at the London School of Economics found low self esteem to increase the risk of eating disorders, suicide and depression and though you may blame yourself for previous failed relationships, hope is at hand. Julia Armstrong, an expert in realising human potential and author and speaker with her own popular podcast suggests that previous relationships can offer us an opportunity for growth and healing. It is necessary to explore the role you played in that relationship and search for familiar patterns of behaviour that you don’t wish to repeat again. She notes that we need to be aware of our own issues and thought processes so that we can be prepared to go consciously and open minded into a new relationship. Perhaps most importantly, is recognising that it is more about being the best partner we can be rather than searching for someone to fulfil our expectations. Consider that next time your fingers touch when passing the plate of mince pies...
Lavishladies.co.uk may help you to become that person you’ve always wished you were and be ultimate partner material. The idea behind the website is to help women to achieve their true potential by boosting their self esteem and experiencing fulfilment in their work and their relationships; it is all about empowerment and even transformation. A personal coach can help you achieve such goals which can be done face-to-face, by telephone or email. Banishing negativity and decluttering your life, letting go of the past and achieving a greater self image can all contribute to your psychological preparation for finding a soul mate in time for the festive season.
Neuro-linguistic programming allows you to let loose your own natural radiance and according to Nannette, a qualified NLP practitioner from http://finallyfindmrright.com, it can help you to take control of your conscious and unconscious thoughts so that you effectively eradicate past baggage and start afresh. She can help you to enter the magical world of your unconscious mind and actually change your reality.
Chris, an IT professional from Plymouth, admits that it was the way he changed his thought processes that enabled him to find the special woman in his life as he’d known her for quite a while until one day, everything slipped into place and he realised that she was the one for him. NLP can assist in helping you see people through new eyes and awaken your senses. You never know, the man of your dreams may be right next to you, dressed as Father Christmas!
Once you feel ready to sample the stock of available men, Julia Armstrong suggests you work at being yourself so that what is on the inside of you is reflected on the outside. This way you will have the chance of building an authentic and meaningful relationship.
But how do you go about practically finding your soul mate? Encouraging research from the University of Bath suggests that internet dating can have a very positive outcome. A survey asked 229 internet daters about their experiences of internet dating and 94% had built up a significant relationship online that lasted. Many people are so busy these days that internet dating seems a viable option. However, if you would prefer to get to know someone by actually being in their presence, no matter how brief, then speed dating could be a consideration. You can gain a hasty snap shot of the person in front of you but be warned, Robert Kurzban and Jason Weeden from the University of Pennsylvania investigated more than 10,000 speed daters in the US and found that speed dating focuses on physical attraction to a greater extent than normal. You just need to be aware of what you are looking for and try and get as much information as you can about that potential person while projecting your own personality to them.
Kirk, a thirty something musician from Cornwall, says that being your true self can get you noticed. He met his beautiful lady when he and his friends soaked as many people as they could one summer with water pistols, just for fun, and she didn’t forget him. 6 years later they found each other on facebook and are living the happily ever after fairytale. Standing out from a crowd gets you noticed, so think of your best feature and accentuate it; whether it is a personality trait or your most excellent physical attribute. You could wow him in your gorgeous Christmas dress or impress him with your knowledge of reindeer...
Also, don’t be fooled by the popular happily ever after films, author Lori Gottlieb says and adds that marriage actually isn’t meant to be a passionfest but instead a ‘partnership formed to run a very small, mundane and often boring non profit business’. So don’t turn away partners that may not tick all the boxes and consider downgrading your expectations. Instead ask yourself whether you share similar values and thoughts about the future. Are you prepared to help each other find happiness and fulfilment? According to psychiatrist Dr Scott Peck, if you desire a fulfilling future for your partner then this is what it means to love.
If you’ve tried internet dating and it just isn’t for you then consider joining a group or club that does something you love. Having shared interests is a great strength in a long term relationship according to Sarah Abell, a relationship expert who writes for the Telegraph. So this could be anything from abseiling, salsa dancing to performing in your local amateur dramatics group. She also suggests on a first date you make an effort with your appearance, leave your emotional baggage at home and don’t forget your manners!
Sometimes it may take a long time to find your soul mate but don’t give up hope. Emma, who studied law at university, waited a whole year for her fiancé to ask her out. She continued living her life until the day came that he got round to it. Now they are happily engaged and she feels the wait was worth it. Julia Armstrong adds that it is essential to commit to yourself when you are single and live your life to the full. In fact, she says, we all need to learn how to be on our own and that if we are looking for someone else to make ourselves feel whole, then this will be a fruitless search. After all, being single can be fun too! We can learn and develop in different relationships and find out more about ourselves.
A Cornell University study found that women gain more weight being married than being single so there are some perks to a solo lifestyle!
Just remember, Moody Blues got it right with their popular song, ‘I know you’re out there somewhere’; especially when Justine Haywood soothed, ‘I know I’ll find you somehow’. Don’t give up and you never know, your soul mate just might be the one to find you...
