You’d be
forgiven for thinking loneliness is only about being alone, away from social
gatherings and isolated from human contact. Loneliness is more about a state of
mind which causes people to feel empty and even unwanted and with the advent of
the internet and cyber relationships, the breakdown of many traditional
families and communities and a population that is aging, it appears to be on
the increase.
People who are lonely want to connect with others
because when you think about this is in an evolutionary way; we have been
designed with others in mind. We need people in our life to survive and always
have done; as babies we depended on our caregivers for our very survival and
many would argue that we are a sociable species.
Of course
it can be said that virtual relationships formed online may well become healthy
real-life relationships but the actual concern is the computer becoming a
replacement for genuine face to face interaction. Ask yourself; do you spend
more time communicating with your friends and family online than actually
seeing them? It is too easy to become swept away by the ease and convenience of
facebook and twitter to communicate but this only aids social anxiety and awkwardness
when the time comes for actual physical contact. Kuldeep Brar, a relationship
consultant (www.lovephool.com) says
that the importance of face to face contact is poorly appreciated and that the
world of social media networking and online dating can exacerbate the effects
of loneliness. She insists that while healthy relationships are obviously good
for you, it is somewhat surprising to note that the negative impact of
loneliness is greater than the damage caused by remaining in an unhealthy
relationship. This demonstrates how big a problem loneliness is.
Experts
may say we are too gregarious to live solitary lives and need a healthy support
network to survive but how do you pluck up the courage to join that new Zumba
group in town or the creative writing evening class? Who do you phone for a
chat when your close friends are with their families? And what can you do on a
Sunday afternoon when couples are all around you and families are out in force;
all serving to remind you of your loneliness?
If you
haven’t been out and about for a while and are concerned that you simply won’t
know how to communicate, start small and work up. Dr Sandra Wheatley,
psychologist and author and expert on helping new mums overcome postnatal
depression (www.potent.uk.com) insists
the first step is to get used to being around people. Just dip your toe in the
water, visit a cafe and speak to a couple of people in passing. This will help
to develop your confidence and enable you to feel part of a community.
Let’s say
you have visited your library and found an evening class you’d like to attend;
something you’d really enjoy where you are likely to meet like-minded people. A
great way to start new friendships. How do you find the courage to walk into a
new group on your own? Even harder if the members already know each other...
Richard
Reid, cognitive behaviour therapist and counselling psychotherapist (www.pinnacletherapy.co.uk) suggests
entering the new group as if it is your party and the other people are your
guests. The idea is to put the emphasis on the other person and to develop good
listening skills. Getting people to talk about themselves when you meet them
for the first time takes the pressure off you. Rebeckah Fensome, a respected
life coach (www.rebekahfensomelifecoach.com) agrees
and recommends taking a bag of topics to talk about. Preparation is the key but
if you find your courage wavering consider imagining what is known as a
confidence circle. Look back to your past and recall an occasion when you felt
really confident and remember what colour you were wearing at the time, what
was happening around you and draw a circle on the floor in front of you in your
mind and step into it. Intensify the experience in your mind and keep stepping
into your circle; this will create an anchor within your circle so that
wherever you are you can imagine stepping into it and recreating that
wonderful, confident feeling again. Visualisation can also help; imagining how
you would like to act; positive, confident and happy before you go to your new
group can act like a memory as if you’ve done it all before.
Dr Rick
Norris, author of ‘Think Yourself Happy’ and with a website designed to offer
‘self help’ solutions to those experiencing stress and anxiety (www.mindhealthdevelopment.co.uk) offers a reminder that you won’t be
the only one experiencing social anxiety as it is a fairly common phenomena in
our present society and suggests focusing more on your own behaviour, avoiding
contentious issues when striking up a conversation and smiling; a very
influential tool in your armoury for overcoming social awkwardness! He
additionally recommends altruism; doing a kind act for others. This could be
voluntary work or simply offering to help a friend or neighbour. Not only can
this help you to feel better about yourself, it has the additional reward of
increasing your sociability. The same can be applied to hobbies; do things you
like doing and if it leads to meeting new people, that is certainly a bonus.
Adult education classes are an excellent way of not only improving your mind
and confidence but also increasing your chance of finding friendships.
Sue Firth, author of ‘More
Life-Less Stress’ (www.suefirthltd.com) suggests that a good way to lower
anxiety levels when out and about on your own is to take a book with you. This
breaks down your shyness and self consciousness. She also suggests encouraging
a friend to join you at that Salsa class you’ve been longing to join. The more
positive you are about joining such a group, the more your friend will feel
enthusiastic about going. Think about all you have achieved in getting out
there, rather than criticising what you haven’t managed to do just yet.
Confidence is all about
self belief and feeling worthy. Sharon Stiles, hypnotherapist and NLP
practitioner (www.mindblockssorted.com) insists that when you join a new
group, it isn’t always necessary to say something just for the sake of saying
it. You can develop quiet confidence by making a note of all the things that
you can do, what you like to do and your skills and this can help to build
yourself up in your eyes.
If you do live alone,
loneliness may be something you encounter regularly but it is important to
remember that it is a way of developing bravery; to have the courage to do
things which if you were living with someone or others, you might not otherwise
do. Anni Townend, Leadership Consultant and Coach, author of ‘Assertiveness and
Diversity’ (www.annitownend.com) says it is important to grow your own support network
and to always keep in touch with people that you care about but to also see
living alone as an opportunity to really branch out and have the freedom to do
things without restraint...
Don’t forget to ponder
over the fun hobbies and pastimes you may not have considered before. If
keeping fit and jogging is your bag, advertise for a running partner. Perhaps
you could start a local cheerleading group to help your local football team or
maybe you’d like to go rafting or cave diving. Possibly you could become a befriender
for the elderly in your community or you would like to get a team together to
go ghost hunting. Whatever floats your boat, make today the day you find out
how to achieve it.
As Dr Rick Norris says;
take pleasure in every little thing you can and use all your senses to enjoy
life and nature. You have to make a conscious effort to notice the beauty
around you to then to be able to share it with others.
After all Dr Sandra
Wheatley insists that if you smile, the world smiles with you.
And this is the sure-fire
way to banish loneliness for good...
